"Okay, so you're probably going, Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what? But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl."
"Dionne and I were both named after famous singers of the past, who now do infomercials."
"I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M's and like 3 pieces of licorice."
"So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?" Well it's like when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. 'cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was like totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much."
"So, OK. I don't wanna be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, c'mon, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants, and take their greasy hair—ew—and cover it up with a backwards cap and, like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so!"
"You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet."
"Dee, when your allergies act up, take out your nose ring."
"Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie."
"A licensed driver with nothing to do? Where would I find such a loser?"
"So, OK. The Attorney General says there's too much violence on TV, and that should stop. Even if you took out all the violent shows, you could still see the news. So until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value."
"Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972."
